we have only to persevere to conquer

Today is my two-year blogiversary. Thank you. Thank you. While my first blogiversary was marked with snowstorms after a spring weekend, (hey! A lot like this year, too) it was also marked by our return from our trip to Taiwan and China, the details and photos of which I have failed to complete and post. And this brings me to the overwhelming emotion of blogiversary zwei. Failure.

I feel like I’m kind of a failure at blogging, because I just can’t be consistent.

Also, I’m kind of a failure at my job, because while I usually blame all things that go wrong there on, um, Judy, it became painfully obvious this week that my hate of work is also because I’m lazy and I hate to work. I would much rather be reading a book, or reading blogs, or anywhere but editing the minutes from the last board meeting. Being lazy does not help me love my job, and all my attempts to pretend it is fun have failed. Failure.

I have been doing my best to overcome a certain medical problem that has plagued me since our move to Kansas, but nothing I do seems to help. The doctors are a little bit at a loss (although, perhaps this is a failure on their part, but I’m the one in pain) and the last time I went in I was pretty much told that I very well might have this my whole life and that it is quite likely that my pregnancy, should I choose to get pregnant, will be slightly affected. Healing? Failure.

I was hoping this year would be the year I started choosing fruit over brownies, but, alas, the call of the chocolate cookie is too strong for me to consistently resist. Failure.

Sometimes when people I know and love call me I choose to not answer the phone. Am I busy at the time? Sometimes. But sometimes I just don’t know if I have the energy to be a good friend. And I get so tired of saying, “oh, nothing interesting at all is going on here and I have become the most boring friend you have.” Because taking what I want and then demanding more is something I have mastered. Giving, being a friend who stays in touch, and making others happy? Failure.

But the worst of all, and the one that I wish most of all I could succeed at, is that sometimes I feel like I’m a failure at marriage. I mean, granted, I’m still married, and give Somebody credit for that, but in general I kind of suck at putting the needs of others first. It is a great flaw that I cleverly hid while dating. But it’s hard, yo. It’s hard to not think sometimes that it would be easier to give up. It’s hard to not sometimes wonder what life would be like if I was single. It’s hard to not blame the person closest to you when things start going the way you don’t want them to. But you know what is even harder? Feeling like you are failing at the thing you want most. I can’t imagine the emotional (not to mention spiritual and physical) devastation that will occur should failure actually happen. And so I fight on. I can fail in all the other areas and still somehow sleep at night, but to fail in my marriage? Unacceptable. My goal for the next year will be to find success, to embrace the steps forward, and to never give up. Never give in. Never, never, never, never.

In other news, I got my hair highlighted last night and there is no denying the fact that I am blond again.

Also, Somebody is going to get paid to spend two weeks traveling around China this summer. Lucky duck.