Wednesday, January 10, 2007


I’ve started another semester of Chinese class and quickly realized that I’m definitely not advanced enough for 102. I need to retake 101. I wonder why I didn’t learn enough. Was it because I never studied or did the homework? Was it because I stopped going to class the last month? Huh. Do you think we will ever know? Anyway, it’s only three days into the class, and I’ve only attended two of them, but I’ve already turned into “girl who cries every day” much like I did last semester. It’s painful, you know, to want to know something so badly, but every time I open the book the feelings of overwhelming frustration, embarrassment at my lack of understanding and comprehension, and guilt at wanting to give up completely overpower me and I start to tear up. From just opening the book. Even now, when I think about how frustrating it is, I want to cry. And in the mornings when I think about going to class: tears. After class, walking to the car, thinking about how I didn’t understand anything in class and felt so stupid: tears. In the evening, when Somebody very patiently tries to review things with me: tears. At night, when I’m supposed to be falling asleep: tears. Luckily, I drink enough water to replenish my body’s supply, but, still, it’s got to stop. Somehow. There has never been any subject, in my entire life, that has been as difficult for me as this one.

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